20 Dirty Questions

Conversation on Match.com email

ME: I winked at you. You winked back. Maybe we should chat? We could start the conversation with “so why are YOU home alone on a Saturday night?”

HIM: I could ask the same question. Why is an attractive lady like you home tonight ? I’d love to chat. My brother is in town visiting. We are about to head out for a beer. What are up to? I’m John btw. Thanks for the wink.

ME: See! You’re not home alone!! Have a beer for me. Match IM is really bad. Look me up on that other one that starts with a Y.

HIM: I have to ask… Are you not a sexual person? Just asking from what you wrote on your profile. Don’t have YIM on iPhone.

ME: And why do you ask that? I’ll have to look on my profile.
I’ve met too many on here where that is ALL they’re looking for. Often on the first date. Or even before that on the phone! I’m really looking for a complete relationship.

HIM: You have guys looking for phone sex before meeting you? Yikes !!! Making out and playing a little without sex can be fun too!!

ME: You can’t even imagine!! My best friend and I have a collection of “unsolicited genitalia” photos that would fill a wall. I’m a big fan of making out and playing a little! Eventually. Need a bit of conversation before, after and in-between though. I thought you were going out tonight????

HIM: Dinner, drinks and if we click…. I’m gonna want to kiss you., cuddle on the couch and play a little :). Guys email you pics of their junk?? Maybe I am going about this all wrong!! Jk I am out…You are just a great distraction!

ME: Well, yeah — if it’s a good dinner and we have fun and we click — you’re going to have to kiss me! Cuddling and playing — yeah if the kiss goes well! But to be honest… not going to sleep with you on a first date no matter how much we click. I guess I’m old fashioned. I am very good at being a distraction. How’s the nightlife out there tonight?

HIM: Pretty fun. I’m ok with waiting on the intercourse. It’s better to wait. I’m a pleaser. If the kissing is good I will make you happy. ;).

ME: “Intercourse”? Now that’s serious formality. Or a city in Pennsylvania. So when are we going out?

HIM: Ok now I just feel silly. Lol. Let’s chat on the phone sometime and make a plan.

ME: Don’t feel silly. I have a sometimes twisted sense of humor. No offense I hope. My # is ———. Would love to talk to you.

TEXT MESSAGES
HIM: How was your night?
ME: Good, how was the beer?

HIM: Ok. I’m on my way home now.
ME: Don’t be texting me while you’re driving

HIM: Oh no – my bro is driving.
ME: Why – are you drunk?

HIM: No – not at all
ME: Ok, good

HIM: So, you want to play 20 Dirty Questions?
ME: Hmmmm…. Not really. I thought I told you I’m not big on sex as an ice breaker.

HIM:Geeeez. I’m not asking you to have sex with me. I just would like to chat a little, and see if we should go out. Sorry if I offended you.
ME:Oh, ok. How about 20 Not-So-Dirty Questions then?

HIM:Ok
ME:You start

HIM:Are you shaved or trimmed.
ME:End of conversation

HIM:Bitch.

Looked him up the next day on Match.com:
Oops, the profile you’re looking for is not available

The following day.
Text Message
HIM: Hey Kat
ME: Hi?
HIM: U miss me?
ME: If this is George Clooney then yes! If not then idk. Who u b?
HIM: Close. John from Match
ME: 20 dirty Questions John?
HIM: Indeed
ME: You have got to f-ing be kidding
HIM: Whatchu mean? U don’t love me anymore?
ME: I thought you decided we weren’t a good match. If I recall, you called me a bitch.
HIM: I know but I’m rethinking. I kinda dig u
ME: Love u? Ha! Only in that u provided some great material for my standup act and book.
(I then try to call the number he has texted me from. I get a message that says “You have reached a Textfree Text Only Phone Number.”)
ME: A text free texting #? Combine that with the Match.com message I got when I tried to look up today: “Oops – that member’s profile is no longer available” and I add that up to be “SCAM”
HIM: Y u mad?
ME: LOL Y u clueless? What’s ur real story Skippy?
HIM: Just turned off profile. As far as text – had crazy bitch call my work. I don’t play that. You want to chat?
ME: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
HIM: What?
ME: R U for real? No chat. Call me. Block your # and call me. Dare ya.

So we talked for 20 minutes. He said he was just “having some fun.” I explained that my idea of fun might be different than his. And where I come from, asking someone about their genitals is reserved for at least the second or third date.
Blah blah blah blah

So we make a date to meet  for a drink on Thursday.
I’m taking pepper spray and getting a 20-minute back-up call.

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